~Grammar is my weak point. All of my A to Z challenge post will need editing. I am aware of this. I will try my best to clean them up, and learn from each, but don’t expect anything close to perfection. I’m putting out too many of these this month to ask people to spend time editing. Thanks for understanding. ~

Well, time is up and I have not figured out a topic starting with the letter, “C.” So I’m just going to freestyle this joint.

While I’m on the subject of crap, why not bring up the crap that makes me want to pluck out my eyeballs and fling them like monkey poo. Well, maybe I shouldn’t. Doing so would take me into religion and politics. No one wants to hear, or read about my views on those touchy subjects.

So instead I’m going to talk about the crap in the mind. I mean the dark useless stuff that fits between your memories, and cognitive functions. The crap I’m referring to is the stuff self doubt and loathing are made of. I bring this up because I had something, which I will not be going into, happen recently that has effected me more than I knew. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced depression, or allowed the small stuff to get to me, until that event. My wife would say that nothing gets to me, and I am too laid back. Almost to the point of not caring, which isn’t the case. I feel if it’s not going to kill me it can’t be that bad. Life is too short after all.

But now, right this moment, I’m not feeling like my normal indifferent self. The event burst open some mental dams. The flood of dark crap has hit me hard. The thing to suffer the most, has been my writing. That crap full of self doubt and loathing is doing exactly what it does. It’s hard to start writing, or continue writing a story, when looking at the page reminds me of just how good I am not. I mean, why would anyone want to read my shit?

Let me stop you here. I’m not looking for pity. I’m just getting out something that needs to be aired. I hope doing so will free me of some of this crap that has crippled me.

I did mention that the crap was not only full of self doubt, but loathing as well. Let’s face it. At one point or another were going to do something stupid. Were human after all, and that’s just a part of what makes us human. Were going to do something that we might regret, if not for the rest of our lives then maybe for a long time. Either way, the crap is still there, slowly eating away at us. Infecting more of that empty space in our heads. We build walls, emotional barriers in our Psyche to hide that stuff. A way to protect us from ourselves. The walls are a lie. Turning our backs on the worst part of our selves doesn’t make it go away. It gives the crap a chance to multiply and devise it’s own machinations while we turn a blind eye.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you how to get over it. Where to find the courage and strength to face an aspect of yourself you’ve hidden from. But I can’t. I’m sill looking for those myself. This is my first step to cleansing the crap. I’m admitting, and accepting the crap. Now I have o figure out where I go from here.

I realize this maybe to TMI, but fuck it. That is the power of the Internet. Any one can pour their heart out to perfect strangers and never have to worry about looking them in the eye. That could be both the best and worst part of it. Oh well. Thanks for stopping by and have a good day.

A to Z challenge post 3, C.

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